“Why did you give me up?” is the predominant question that soaks in my mind, that has gone unanswered for almost two decades. And I wonder whether I will ever get it answered… I wonder if any of my questions will get answered. I wonder if I would rather they not be answered, in case the answer is something I do not want to hear. I do not think I could handle hearing something hurtful from my birth mother. With everything I fear, rejection has got to be one of the worst fears that I have and it plays into a lot of other fears I have.
Sometimes I think about whether I like being adopted or not. I love my parents and would never trade them in for anyone else, but would I have rather been their child genetically? Yes, I think I would. There are disadvantages and advantages to being adopted. And although they affect individuals differently, I think that overall the advantages overshadow the disadvantages. The new life provided for the child once they are adopted immensely prevails over what the negative effects may be.
Although adoption has so many advantages, I believe it also comes with emotional disadvantages to both the child and the birthparents. From my personal experience I believe the child is followed around every day by insecurities stemming from being adopted. These insecurities affect a large part of who the children are and how they act. I believe this insecurity stems from a culture shock of being different from others and not knowing why this difference has such a big affect of me. Why was I so different from other children who were not adopted? Most people will not be able to tell the effects unless they really dissect the child’s behaviors and feelings. I think that some children will live their life not acknowledging these insecurities, which may or may not be in their best interest. These insecurities may go away once the children have met her birthparents, but it is not guaranteed. Insecurities such as the feeling of abandonment or the feeling of not being good enough or worthy enough may stay with the children forever because the insecurities were such a large part of their childhood, not knowing their birthparents, they may always feel these feelings. I believe this insecurity of abandonment stems from the cross-culture interaction between children who are adopted and children who are not. The encounters should be considered cross-cultural because adoptees grow up with a slightly different view than people who are not adopted. The insecurities of abandonment come from the feeling of not being accepted like everyone else who is not adopted.
Other insecurities include ones dealing directly with their birthparents. Adopted children always ask themselves why did their birthparents give them up? Do their birthparents want them back or have any feelings of wanting to get to know them or do they want nothing to do with their own child? Have they moved on completely? Do they have a new family that has no room for another child? These are all questions every adopted child wonders about. The adoptee focuses so much on this part of them that is missing because family is one of the most important things in our society. These feelings of not being worthy enough for their birthparents may be totally unprecedented but that does not matter to the children who have never met their birthparents and therefore does not know the truth as to why they gave their child up? Another advantage concerning the birthparents would be the guilt they may feel about letting their child go. They may think about their child every single day, wondering and hoping their life is better than what they themselves could have provided. And then they might feel guilty for not being able to provide for their child. This feeling comes from the immense amount of pressure society puts on people to have the perfect family, once again because family is so very important in our society. They may regret giving up their child for adoption just as much as the child is wondering why.
The advantages given to the children who have been adopted changes their lives in an enormous way. The children will get a good home, with a loving family that can provide the necessities of life for them. This new family will become the people who know you the best, who are going to look out for you until the end, and love you eternally. Although scientifically they would not be considered to be your family, everything about them other than their DNA proves otherwise. Being adopted opens doors that may never have even been fathomed if they had stayed with their birthparents. The opportunities to have a better education lead to endless pathways. Also, being adopted exposes the children to more opportunities because they will be involved in more, which will make them well rounded. While this child’s life is developing the parents should feel good about giving their child a better life. Society brings a completely opposite view on this subject matter. It might not be upfront or obvious on the surface level, but underneath society does not truly accept a mother giving up her child. One can tell by the kneejerk reaction of just hearing the words “a mother gave up her baby”. The reason for this kneejerk reaction is because it is human nature for a mother to protect their babies. It is human nature for a mother to put her life on the line for her baby, so when we here those six words together it does not quite jive with what our initial instincts are. Taken as a whole, the outcome of the decision to give a child up for adoption gives the child a better life. For example, my life would be completely different. I would not have gone to The Children’s School or Paideia, both small liberal schools, and I probably would not be at Wheaton right now. I would not have been able to travel to all the different countries that I have, like Mexico, Italy, Bermuda, Scotland, and many more. I would not have been able to experience all the different cultures that I have. The exact same opportunities and experiences that I have been exposed to and that have shaped who I am would not have been available to me if I had lived my life with my birthparents. The way my life has been laid out would have been entirely different to the life I would have embarked on if I had stayed with my birthparents. I would be a completely different person. I highly doubt I would be as spoiled as I am today if I had not been adopted and I for sure would not have the best friends that I do.
Although adopted children may feel like a partial piece of them is missing, the irreplaceable opportunities that have shaped the individuals, gave them a better life. in reality leaving society and all the standards it imposes on the people, there really isn’t anything missing from an adopted child’s life; they have two very supportive and loving parents who provide the necessities for a child to prosper mentally physically and emotionally. It is only when the outside perspectives on adoption interfere with the minds of adoptees that the insecurities begin to set in. When looking at this situation, thinking about how much my mother and father love me, I should not feel like anything is missing. The children given the opportunity to be adopted will not get back the opportunities they received by being adopted but the option find your parents is always there for you.
not find out any of the answers to my questions, unless I ask for her permission to contact her through the agency that handled my adoption. Then what if she refuses to speak with me? That idea in and of itself turns me off the idea of even trying to find the answers. How can the pain and suffering of not knowing anything about your child be more than the pain of watching her grow up with another family? The reason this is so incredibly painful is because of the emphasis on how a mother is unconditionally supposed to love their children. This emphasis is apparent in everyday life, every time you see a mother with her child the mother is always looking out for or trying to keep their child protected. The bond between a mother and her child is so intimate that when a mother lets go of the bond with their child it is as if the child has been rejected. A mother letting go of her child is thought of as unordinary and infrequent, when really it has become more common.
