“…the resolution of loss, and the ability to grieve successfully, are often complicated for adoptees” (Brodzinsky, Schechter, Marantz 1992:3). I believe this to be the most predominant effect of adoption on me. This and “The struggle to understand who you are, where you fit in, and how you feel about yourself” (Brodzinsky, Schechter, Marantz 1992:3) are the two main effects that have immensely changed who I am and how I deal with things in my life.
Abandonment is something I feel every single day, whether it is conscious or subconscious. Not feeling worthy enough is another feeling that I experience every day. I still have not figured out how to cope with these feeling and they take a great toll on my personal strength. The thing that I absolutely hate about this is that I have no choice about how adoption affects me. I cannot change these feelings and I cannot make them disappear. I still have not gotten over the culture shock of being adopted and I do not think I ever will until I believe that I do not need my birth mother to help me define who I am. I also think that for me to get past the culture shock I will have to understand and accept all the differences between someone adopted and someone who’s not. I do not know whether I will ever be able to accept this, I have recognized it but I do not know how to accept it. Maybe this inability to accept comes from our culture, because our culture does not fully approve of adoption.
Side note: There are other aspects of our society that create the feeling of unworthiness like the media; the feeling probably does not only come from being adopted. The media can make you feel unworthy because humans love to compare themselves to others and every humans has the need for competition in some fashion or another.
I feel as though adoption must be one of the hardest issues a growing child must face, especially if the child doesn’t have an open adoption with their mother. I think that if a child grew up living with a different family but knew their mother and had interactions with them throughout their childhood and their transition into adulthood they would have fewer questions, and more answers about who they are and where they came from. My mom went through something similar and unfortunately did not live with her mother or father growing up. Instead she lived with her mothers sister because my grandmother was unfit for caring for her or her sister. Even though my mother didn’t have the same childhood as most of her peers she grew up to be a very smart intelligent woman, and faces no serious issues or questions pertaining to who she is or where she came from. Having two best friends, and knowing numerous people who are also adopted at school, I don’t really think adoption changes who they are as a person. I think where you grow up and who raises you, is really what defines a mother, someone who loves you and takes care of you. These people are some of the most amazing people I’ve met here but it is true that they do wonder about their past. I can’t imagine that it’s hard not too. I think however, adoption is a really useful program and gives kids a life better than they would have had if stayed with their previous mother who may not have been able to give their child what they need. I also think adoption can really benefit the child because it forces them to come to terms with hardships early on in their life. Life is full of challenges and learning to overcome things young is extremely beneficial. However, I do think that adoption can pose the opposite effect. Like you stated, abandonment, and not feeling worthy enough have taken a toll on your personal strength. I think initially many children feel angry, and abandonment but I think eventually it will subside. I also believe living on your own at school really helps develop your own ideas and own perceptions and will help one to find themselves. I decided to talk to one of my friends about his experience, and even though he was extremely evasive on the whole subject matter, if there was one thing I’d have to say I learned, it would be that yes it’s nice to know where you came from, your families past, but that family really lies with the people who care about you most and took the time to make sure you grew up properly and flourished to be all you can be. I clearly however don’t know first hand but from the interactions I’ve had with people who were adopted and who meant the world to me, they wouldn’t change it for anything and overall it has really made a positive difference in their life.
ReplyDelete