Kelsey Stewart’s Story
At 19 I found myself pregnant by way of tetracycoline. My dentist gave me the anitbiotic out of the office, samples, and never asked if I was on birth control. The father of the baby was a great guy, however it was apparent at the time that we were not going the distance. I went the preganacy alone and had one hell of an experience with the State of Missouri. Horrible treatment of birth mothers there! The evil woman of a social worker told me one month before I was due that I would not be placing the baby with the parents that I chose because I knew their phone number and where they lived and that was not how MO did adoptions. She demanded that I find a new agency, new parents and not know anything about my child. One month before my due date, nice timing! She made me feel like a criminal and had the audacity to say "Well if you would have kept your legs closed perhaps you would not be in this situation." She scared the shit out of me and I left there a complete mess. My mother was ready to go postal on those people in that office, very Aurora Greenway in "Terms of Endearment". Lucky for me the parents that I HAD chosen in the first place were lawyers themselves and they made sure we found an agency that would take them and not give us any trouble about it. Believe me, half of the girls in that state that have babies and keep them after "changing their minds" are bullied into thinking they are some terrible person for wanting to place their child for adoption. I say this because I know of two girls that that happened to and they will tell you to this day that they were meant to feel like whores and were pushed into keeping the babies. It really is sad and unfortunately those are usually the stories that you hear about in the media, all negativity toward the birth mothers who come back and want the baby or who change their minds at the last minute.
I had my daughter and was able to give her to the parents that I wanted. I told them that all I wanted in exchange was for them to send me pictures and let me know how and who she was. They went far beyond that, they let her be a part of my life and me a part of hers. I have seen her as she has grown...babysitting her, hanging with her at lunch when they were in my home town, my mother was able to go shopping with her to buy her first communion gown. When I sent out the announcements that my boyfirend had proposed, my daughter called me and asked if she could be in my wedding...that was a dream fulfilled right there! She was my Junior Bridesmaid and she walked up the isle just before I did, not a dry eye in the place. The last time I saw her was two years ago Mother's Day weekend at a family wedding. The room was filled with anticipation and when she got there it was like the paparazzi covering Brittany Spears! Pictures of us embracing for what was an eternity, we had not seen each other since my mother's momorial (again, how lucky am I that they drove all the way to my home town be there for me in my time of sorrow?) which was a lapse of 6 years...the longest we had ever gone without seeing each other. We danced and talked and danced. It was amazing! She just graduated in May and is going to college this fall. I sent her this book before I decided to publish it. She loves it and is very excited that I am going to tell my story to the world. I hope that this book can help children everywhere with their feelings about being adopted.
I had her when I had just turned 20 and my relationship with my boyfriend began around July '91. Bruce had been such a good friend for many years, we were just starting our relationship and it was really working. Early '92 I find out we are pregnant and am thrilled because I know that we are meant to be together. Then the doctor said "My dear there are two...you are having twins" and my heart sank. Twins are much different than just one baby. He was 19, I was 21 and neither of us had a carreer, a home or apartment, or a savings account. We knew that adoption was the option that was best for that situation. He knew that I knew what I was doing and he trusted me the whole way. I insisted on moving to California because there was NO WAY I was going to be badgered like I was in the first adoption. My cousins had just adopted a baby there and knew the connections that I needed to start the process. My man stayed in STL and worked so that he could save for his schooling and I lived in California while I was pregnant. I met with three different couples and chose a wonderful couple that had been trying to have a family of their own for several years. They had been married for a while at that point and I thought to myself...here is the reason that God is making me do this for a second time, these people need me to fulfill their dreams of becoming parents. I spoke to my boyfriend about all the couples and we both decided to choose the couple that I liked. I again made it clear that I would need pictures and updates to which they have complied all of these years. I have not seen the twins since they were born but I know who they are becuase their parents tell me about them in letters.
I am one lucky woman to have had these wonderful parents take care of my heart all of these years. My man stood by me and several years later asked for my hand in marriage and we have been happy ever since. Our own sons know who their siblings are and they are perfectly fine with all of it. They are more than willing to tell people all about their brave parents and what we have done. It is great to see your own children singing YOUR praises!
I really think that this book can change the way people think about adoption and birth mothers. It can help kids understand some of the logic that their mothers were thinking in making this monumental decision, it can help adult adoptees if they are still searching for answers, it can help adoptive parents understand what the woman who gave them their child might have went through, it can help pregnant girls out there now understand that even though it is a difficult decision and nothing about it will be easy...you can still continue life and find fulfillment like I have. I have many positive things to tell about adoption and can only hope that this book will allow me to do that.
I have my own family to love and who love me and the Man upstairs has rewarded me handsomely for my giving heart. The last page of my book there is a sentence that says..."Adoption is God's love given twice." That is how I look at it...he gave me the strength, courage and love that it takes to turn around and say...here is a family of your own.
Thank you for reading my story. I sure am proud of what I have done and am even prouder that I had such an amazing influence in my life like my mother who made me the person that I am.
Kelsey
How many children have you put up for adoption?
Three. A daughter and twin boys.
How much do you think about your children?
Every single day.
What do you wonder about? What do you fear?
I know my children and talk to them on a regular basis. They are older, in their late teens so they have had time to heal and are getting to know me.
If you could go back to before you made the decision, would you do anything different?
Not really. I used birth control in both relationships, but circumstances happened, and I became pregnant. Both pregnancies were beyond my control and I do believe that everything happens for a reason.
Do you feel guilty at all for giving up your children?
This is a very good, yet difficult question. There is an enormous amount of guilt involved that never seems to go away, even after 20 years. I have had many years to heal and work through those feelings of guilt. When I was younger and they were so little, the guilt was a relentless aching that would crush my heart and make the hole in there larger everyday. It was literally heartbreaking. "How can I leave them? How will they ever understand that I wanted the best for them? How did I let this happen?" Those were the thoughts that kept me up at night. But through the years as I watched them grow, I was amazed by their accomplishments. Now that they are older, I have replaced that guilt with pride. My daughter tells me all the time that she is proud of me, that I am the strongest person she has ever known, and that she loves me. My pride is in knowing that all my children know and understand that I loved them and did the right thing for them.
How far along in your pregnancies did you decide to give your children up for adoption?
Immediately. There was no doubt in my mind that I had to ask for help.
What were the emotions you felt when you decided to give up your child for adoption?
Disappointment in myself, the fear of not knowing what to expect both in the pregnancey and the adoption process, embarrasment, and very sad that what I was planning to do would eventually break my heart.
Why did you give your children up for adoption?
My mother and father divorced when I was very young and his absence had a profound effect on me. I know abandonment issues. I know that feeling of low self worth and I knew from an early age that if I married it would be for love, it would be well researched - meaning I would not jump into it for ANY reason - and if I had children, it was going to be a marriage that would last the trial and tribulations of life raising a family. I was very young, not married and I did not want my child to miss a loving, full time father like I had,
I also had examples in my own family of unwed mothers and they kept their children so I saw first hand how very difficult it is to raise a child alone, not being there after school, working nights to make ends meet. The biggest example I had was my mother, she did it alone as a divorcee in a time when she was the minority. Almost every one we knew, through school, through Scouts, through sports ... all the parents were married, so my friends had that nucleus that I did not have. I watched my mother struggle and I learned first hand that parenting is a full time job that requires a lot of patience and some wisdom. I knew that I needed help raising my children and I was gifted with maturtiy because of the wonderful job my mother did with me, and that allowed me to see the big picture. I wanted my children to have that necleus family that I wanted so badly, and was too young to provide at the time that I was pregnant. Adoption presented itself as the best decision for me. I was brave enough to ask for the help I needed, and I do not regret the decisions I have made.
Do you feel like society was judging yu during this time? What do you think society thought about your decision? Or how you got into this postition?
You would think the late 80's would have ben more liberal, but I was in the midwest with my first pregnancy and I would say it was about 30% support and 70% rude opinions. People were not shy about telling me what a selfish, horrible woman I was for giving up my responsibilities. I was a waitress and this wonderful older couple requested me every Saturday night to wait on them. I loved them and they loved me! That is until one night they asked me what I was going to name the baby. I told them that I was placing her for adoption so the parents were going to name her. They never requested, or spoke to, me after that night. I was judged all the time back then, I was young, unwed and just another welfare case to all who saw me. Of course I had support from my family and friends, but beyond that, nope. What did society think about my decision? Well, the State of Missouri thought I was an idiot slut who asked for what she got, The social services department treated me like I was a criminal and tried to take away my rights even before my baby was born. They stepped in one month before the due date and told me that I had to find a new family, I was not allowed to know anything about this new family, and I had broken many rules trying to get to know the parents before the baby was born. This is not what I wanted to hear at 19, pregnant, scared out of my mind about the upcoming month, and trying to do the right thing in my mind. Who were they to tell me what I could or could not do with my unborn child? How dare this social worker treat me like that! It was a horrible situation to put me in and I am thankful that I was strong enough to stand up to her, the State, and everyone else who tried to tell me what to do.
That kind of treatment of birth mothers is the exact reason why so many girls change their minds about choosing adoption. It is a terrible way to have someone make you feel, especially at such a vunerable, unknown and emotional time in one's life.
Was the decision to give your child up for adoption easy or hard? What got you through the decision?
It was very difficult. It is not for the weak of character. You have to believe in yourself a great deal, and put yourself and all your feelings aside. I knew what I was doing was right. My mother was an amazing source of support and information. She was my biggest fan and always told me how proud she was of me, that she could never do what I was doing and admired me for being so brave. She was my rock. She never felt sorry for me, but instead allowed me to learn from it, deal with it, and eventually live with it. Without her, I would not be the person that I am today.
Who/what influenced your decision? Did you feel any pressure to give your child up for adoption?
No pressure, it was solely my decision. My life influenced my choice. I was raised with good morals and a positve outlook on life.
Have you had contact with your children?
All the time. It really is such a positive story for all involved! My kids can ask me anything, how great is that? So many adoptees have questions that they need to ask and I welcome every one of them. I am thrilled that they want to know me!
Is it an open or closed adoption?
Both were open adoptions. I had to fight for it in MO and it was a rough road! The second placing I went to an open law state which was much easier on the birth mother. It is all about what she wants and that is where the discussion begin, and we worked details out from there. It was a breathe of fresh air for me since my first experience was so difficult.
Would you advocate other women to give up their children for adoption if they don't feel capable of raising a child?
Absolutely! I want to advocate for the birth mother voice from a postive point of view, an inspiring story that the world needs to see. It can be such a wonderful and rewarding decision. I am proof that to be brave is to be blessed many fold.
What do you believe to be the pros and the cons to Adoption?
The biggest pro is the choice of life. The biggest con is the amount of time it takes to heal. A pro is that if the adoption is ipen, there is a good chance that everyone will be comfortable and healthy with the arrangement. A con is the abandonment issues that some adoptees have not knowing anything about their background or birth parents. A pro is that adoption is changing in great ways: open laws, open websites, tons of literature on the subject, and more acceptance with adoption as a whole. A con is that even with all the advancement and acceptance in the last couple of decades, adoption is still a very controversial subject that conjours feelings of anger and disappointment for so many. A pro to adoption, as a birth mother, I was able to give my heart to wonderful parents who raised great kids who appreciate what I did for them. It is a gratifying feeling to know that I made a difference in not just my childrens lives, but all the lives that they have touched.
They are better people because of my selfless choice to give them the best that I could. That is what I wanted for them, always.
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